A little Humour - bringing a smile to your face

With so many creative people using the internet there are a lot of images, stories and audio clips that can bring a smile to your face.

Some are very funny, some a little risqué.  Here are a few of the things that have been sent to us that brought a smile to our faces.

If you find anything offensive, (we hope not as we edit what is available here), please let us know and we will delete it from the web page.

If you have something that will make people laugh or chuckle or just make them curious, and you are happy for us to put it on the web page, do send it to us at info@2012londonlogistics.com and we will put it on the web site, (subject to our editorial judgment).

Enjoy!

The Ugly Duckling

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time.  When they get there, St.  Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven - don't step on the ducks!"

Along comes St.  Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.  St.  Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St.  Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.  With him is another extremely ugly man.  He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.  She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.  Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on...  very tall, dark hair, and muscular.

St.  Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Last Respects

At a motivational seminar 3 men are asked to come up to the stage.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......  LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

The Cab Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again.  You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.  Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years".

The Magician

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.  The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick.  Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank.  The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.  They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.  This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up.  What'd you do with the boat?"

My Three Sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.  Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat.  Remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well.  I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible.  It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him.  He's one of a kind.  Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent a letter to each son.  "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge.  I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel.  I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes.  And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes.  The chicken was delicious."

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto camped in the desert, set up their tent, and fell asleep.  Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.

"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.  Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.  Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What it tell you, Kemo Sabe?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Old MacDonald

It’s the final round of the £50,000 question and only 3 remaining contestants are left, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.  The question is: finish the following song title and spell the answer.  "Old Macdonald had a ____".  The Englishman goes 1st and says "estate" "e-s-t-a-t-e".  The announcer says sorry wrong answer, but right spelling, meanwhile the Scotsman is going nuts he is so excited he cannot control himself.  The Irishman goes next and answers "Ranch", "r-a-n-c-h".  The announcer says sorry wrong answer but right spelling, and the Scotsman is jumping up and down and he is so excited he almost screams.  The announcer turns to the Scotsman and says "for £50,000 what is the answer".  The Scotsman answers "farm", "e-i-e-i-o"

The Border

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars.  He naturally got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

This went on every day for the next month.  Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand.

A few years later, he ran into the biker in a restaurant in Tijuana.  After some small talk he said, "Come on, I know you were smuggling something all that time.  I won't tell.  I'm just curious.  What was it?"

The other man said, "Bicycles."

Secret to a long Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.  Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.  A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.  "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.  "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule.  We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.  My wife quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.  Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." Hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time.  My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.  I started to yell at her for her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said "That's once."

Dirty Sex Pictures

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can’t stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let’s see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots.  "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture.  "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."

"Me!?" demands the patient.  "You’re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

Polish Bar

An Irishman, and Englishman, and a Polishman were in a bar in New York.  They all were talking and commented on how they liked the bar.

Then the Englishman said, "Back in England there is a bar where for every drink you buy the owner of the bar will give you a free drink." They all said that it sounded great.

The Irishman then said, " That’s nothing, back in Ireland there’s a bar where for every drink you buy the owner will give you two drinks." The other two were very impressed.

Then the Polishman said, "That does sound good but there is a better bar back in Poland.  There, if you buy three drinks they will take you in back give you three more drinks and you’ll get laid."

The others were all impressed and said, "This happened to you?" The Polish man responded, "No, they did it to my sister."

Blinds man

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.  "There is a blind man to see you," she says.  "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower.  Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them.  She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now.  Where do you want me to put these blinds?

20 Miles

There are three girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, stranded on an island 20 miles away from the nearest land.  The brunette decided to try to swim to shore.  She got 5 miles and got tired, but she kept going.  She got 5 miles more but then she drowned.  The redhead was stronger, so she decided to try.  She got about 10 miles, and got tired, but she also kept going and drowned.  The blonde was the strongest of the three, and decided to try.  She got 15 miles, when she got tired.  She kept going until she was one mile from land.  She decided that she was too tired, so she turned around and went back.

The Mirror

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation.  After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room.  Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish.  But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I’m the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.  The redhead stepped up and said "I think I’m the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.  Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think…" and was promptly sucked into the mirror.